President Obama will deliver his fourth State of the Union address before Congress on February 12. Watch CNN.com Live for all of your political coverage.
Today's programming highlights...
Ongoing coverage - U.S. winter storm preparation and briefings
12:00 pm ET - Murder suspect manhunt briefing - The search continues for ex-Los Angeles police officer Christopher Dorner, who is accused of killing three people. Police update the investigation.
2:30 pm ET - Kerry meets with Canadian FM - Secretary of State John Kerry holds talks with his Canadian counterpart in Washington. Following the talks, the two will brief reporters.
4:30 pm ET - Panetta honored - President Obama will speak at an Armed Forces farewell tribute to outgoing Defense Secretary Leon Panetta.
CNN.com Live is your home for breaking news as it happens.
You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:
One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I
tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you
no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla
me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.
I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss
on you too, you sonna ma bitch.
I go back to Italy.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two as ses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pe e
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our se x lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta se xa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!".
Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".
@bobcat(iah), I saw your hysterical joke earlier but of course they pulled it. Stay warm all in the Northeast.
Yeah, they are giving me a bad time lately. I'm glad you got to see it before it went down. Are you hunkering down for that storm ? You be safe up there. I'll be thinking about all of you up there.
be safe my friends. Our thoughts would be with you.
Even wishing you guys a good morning doesn't seem to get past the censors.
man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says.
"Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,
"Where are you?"
"I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."
Good morning saywhat
It's getting to be more effort than it's worth to try posting anymore.
This is why I don't bother, half the time.
our thoughts would be with you.
I know banasy. That's why I'm not on here that much anymore. At least we can say, hey, from time to time.
Hey, yourself, Rawr!
Where's the abominal one today ?
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