August 17th, 2012
07:37 AM ET

Friday's live events

The two major parties will come together in the next few weeks to make their presidential tickets official.  CNN.com Live is your home for all the action from the Republican and Democratic National Conventions.

Today's programming highlights...

11:45 am ET - Ryan in Virginia - GOP vice presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan will spend his day in Virginia, starting with a speech at a high school in Glen Allen.  He'll then head to Springfield for another high school speech at 3:45 pm ET.

12:30 pm ET - White House briefing - The presidential campaign and the Syria crisis will likely top Jay Carney's agenda with the White House press corps.

CNN.com Live is your home for breaking news as it happens.

 


Filed under: Elections • On CNN.com today • Politics
soundoff (109 Responses)
  1. bobcat (in a hat)©

    A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

    'Don't move! You're a statue!'

    The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

    The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

    August 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm | Report abuse |
  2. bobcat (in a hat)©

    A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcu m powder.

    'Don't move! You're a statue!'

    The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

    The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

    August 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm | Report abuse |
  3. bobcat (in a hat)©

    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

    He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

    "But why?" asks the man.

    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

    August 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm | Report abuse |
  4. bobcat (in a hat)©

    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

    He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying it all over them.

    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

    "But why?" asks the man.

    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

    August 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm | Report abuse |
    • banasy©

      Okay, because I can't see the other page, I'll comment here:

      The husband/table reminds me of "Paradise By The Dashboard Light."
      Let me sleep on it.

      This joke:
      An oldie but a goodie, lol.

      August 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm | Report abuse |
  5. bobcat (in a hat)©

    Okay, last one

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

    He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

    "Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

    "Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

    "You're going to die," she replied.

    August 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm | Report abuse |
    • banasy©

      Lmao!!
      That garbage may have worked back in the day...no, scratch that; it wouldn't...

      August 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm | Report abuse |
  6. banasy©

    Ah, the Friday Funnies.
    Thank you, bc(iah) and Eugene.

    August 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm | Report abuse |
  7. bobcat (in a hat)©

    Okay, I lied. Bur this is the last one..

    Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

    And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

    One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

    "Fred, that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars," Ethel replied.

    The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the ten dollars."

    Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word.

    When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word."

    "Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

    August 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm | Report abuse |
  8. dazzle ©

    @bobcat(iah) LMAO here big time. @Eugene, you on a roll too. @banasy, the word of the day here is books.

    August 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm | Report abuse |
    • banasy©

      The word of the day should be "ouch", dazzle, because I know how much those books cost.

      August 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm | Report abuse |
    • bobcat (in a hat)©

      Hello dazzle

      How are you today ? Has it stopped raining out there yet ?

      August 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm | Report abuse |
    • dazzle ©

      @bobcat(iah) Things are good and the rain and flash floods continue but I find it blissful. You sir?
      @banasy, It is so much more than books for the kid. Equipment etc. My job is to swipe the card. (Sigh) to the tune of around $1500.00, now that's an ouch.

      August 17, 2012 at 2:38 pm | Report abuse |
    • bobcat (in a hat)©

      @ dazzle

      I'm doing pretty well. it's hotter than beezlebub at a barbeque in barbados here.

      August 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm | Report abuse |
  9. saywhat

    Barely 72 hrs after his nomination as RM, Ryan is off on a 'holy' mission to the Venetian Hotel & Casino in Las vegas. To prostrate himself before Sheldon Adelson for the largess that helps keep their campaign afloat – $35 million so far.

    Any one surprised with his Budget Plan to allow more taxes to super rich and corps who export jobs overseas/
    Good morning all and thanks @bobcat.

    August 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm | Report abuse |
    • bobcat (in a hat)©

      @ saywhat

      Hello my friend. Hope today is finding you free of the doldrums. Hey, smile, after it is Friday.

      August 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm | Report abuse |
    • banasy©

      Good afternoon, saywhat.
      This isn't a surprise at all; one prostrates themselves to big money.
      I hope that someone has a cell camera...

      August 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm | Report abuse |
  10. Eugene

    Good one, @saywhat. 🙂
    How many Poles does it take to win a war?
    2. Two Polish scientists cracked the Nazi Enigma code and informed the British, who from that day forward knew in-advance virtually evey move made by the nazi war machine, in advance. THE reason why WWII was won.

    August 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm | Report abuse |
  11. Jay jay

    The unemployment rate went from 8.2percent to 8.3 in the month of July. 44 states are reporting a decline in job growth for the month of July. Why would CNN not report this. Hmm. I wonder... Now watch this post get deleted quicker than a newyork minute

    August 17, 2012 at 2:27 pm | Report abuse |
    • dazzle ©

      @Jay jay, I think the numbers are worse than being reported. Not only is there no new job creation but the people who were on Federal extensions and were unable to find employment, lost those benefits. Two of my very close friends, both professionals, ended up not getting the extension they were expected and fell off of those roles. I have countless employees that had that happen during my time in corporate. My replacement is dealing with that because these employees can't get through to the UnEmp offices or even get an answer to the state website. She is a Vice President and told me that she is going to walk because she can't stand trying to deal with these issues. I'm glad I made the choice to get out of Corporate America.

      August 17, 2012 at 7:43 pm | Report abuse |
  12. Bongo™ (in a hat)

    If you want Bongo's body and you think I am seksy come on baby let Bongo know.

    August 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm | Report abuse |
    • banasy©

      Shades of Rod Stewart?

      August 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm | Report abuse |
  13. chrissy

    Lmao @ bongo, on your say so? I think not. Good afternoon all, what a wonderful day in blogville. And some awesoom jokes you two.

    August 17, 2012 at 2:57 pm | Report abuse |
  14. Eugene

    @Jay Jay. Shhhhhh. It's an election year. Nobody wants to be reminded tha@ 150,000 jobs per month must be created just to break even.
    And I'm sure you are well aware of inner city unemployment rates among a certain ethnic group are closer to 20% than 8.2. Please secure Israel some more @President Obama. ty Weathy jews apreciate it, I'm sure.

    August 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm | Report abuse |
  15. Bongo™

    Thanks Chrissy. You are too wonderful. 🙂 We really do hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

    August 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm | Report abuse |
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