soundoff (15 Responses)

1. bobcat (in a hat)©
   

   You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

   One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I
   tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
   I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you
   no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
   on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla
   me a sonna ma bitch.

   Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
   spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
   everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the
   table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch.
   I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

   So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
   the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.
   So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
   not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

   I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss
   on you too, you sonna ma bitch.

   I go back to Italy.

   February 8, 2013 at 10:38 am | Report abuse |
2. bobcat (in a hat)©
   

   A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
   animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
   first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
   the men say the following:

   "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two as ses come together. I come
   once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pe e
   twice. Then I come one lasta time."

   "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
   country we don't talk about our se x lives in public!"

   "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta se xa? I'm
   just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

   February 8, 2013 at 10:47 am | Report abuse |
3. bobcat (in a hat)©
   

   Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
   tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch:

   "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

   The birch says he cannot tell.

   Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,

   "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech
   or a son of a birch?"

   The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies:

   "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
   piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!".

   February 8, 2013 at 10:51 am | Report abuse |
4. bobcat (in a hat)©
   

   Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
   their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
   audience.

   Some examples:

   Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

   The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

   Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

   Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

   The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

   The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

   Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

   The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

   Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

   Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

   The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

   ABBA: "Denture Queen"

   Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

   Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

   Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

   The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".

   February 8, 2013 at 10:56 am | Report abuse |
5. dazzle ©
   

   @bobcat(iah), I saw your hysterical joke earlier but of course they pulled it. Stay warm all in the Northeast.

   February 8, 2013 at 12:28 pm | Report abuse |
6. bobcat (in a hat)©
   

   Hey dazzle
   Yeah, they are giving me a bad time lately. I'm glad you got to see it before it went down. Are you hunkering down for that storm ? You be safe up there. I'll be thinking about all of you up there.

   February 8, 2013 at 12:36 pm | Report abuse |
7. saywhat
   

   Good morning@dazzle@bobcat
   be safe my friends. Our thoughts would be with you.

   February 8, 2013 at 12:43 pm | Report abuse |
8. saywhat
   

   Even wishing you guys a good morning doesn't seem to get past the censors.

   February 8, 2013 at 12:49 pm | Report abuse |
9. bobcat (in a hat)©
   

   man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

   Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

   So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

   "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

   "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

   "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says.

   "Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

   "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

   "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,

   "Where are you?"

   "I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."

   February 8, 2013 at 12:52 pm | Report abuse |
10. bobcat (in a hat)©
    

    Good morning saywhat

    It's getting to be more effort than it's worth to try posting anymore.

    February 8, 2013 at 12:53 pm | Report abuse |
    • banasy©
      

      This is why I don't bother, half the time.

      February 8, 2013 at 3:40 pm | Report abuse |
11. saywhat
    

    Be safe@bobcat@dazzle
    our thoughts would be with you.

    February 8, 2013 at 2:04 pm | Report abuse |
12. bobcat (in a hat)©
    

    I know banasy. That's why I'm not on here that much anymore. At least we can say, hey, from time to time.
    HEY

    February 8, 2013 at 4:56 pm | Report abuse |
    • banasy©
      

      Hey, yourself, Rawr!

      February 8, 2013 at 6:22 pm | Report abuse |
    • bobcat (in a hat)©
      

      Where's the abominal one today ?

      February 8, 2013 at 6:31 pm | Report abuse |